Z13RMD - #3: Theodore (2009)

Z-Man's 13 Random Movies of Damnation

#3: Theodore (2009)





A quickie but a goodie this time around, and everybody needs to go watch it first. If you're reading this, you either
1)Love me dearly
-- or --
2)Are bored to death

and probably both. You have ten minutes to spare, so grab the film from the producers' website.



Now then, wasn't that fun? Two things grabbed my attention when I saw this. First, the title. Theodore brings to mind my buddy Theo, and one of the Chipmunks. Theo's a big horror fan, so it seemed fitting that we have a movie to better represent him than Theodore Rex, which was horrific in its own ways. Theo, this one's for you.

The second initial draw was Lloyd Kaufman.



Lloyd is the creator of The Toxic Avenger and benevolent god of Troma Entertainment. I met him at a convention once and he was a really nice guy, even if he probably wiped his ass with my first script. I give mad props to anyone who can take a film that contains images of hot women masturbating to pictures of vehicular homicide victims, and turn that into a franchise including an animated series, a Nintendo game, and children's toys. I like to think that Toxie is beating the crap out of some Ninja Turtles in someone's attic.

So I liked Theodore. It was atmospheric, original, and to the point. The dissolving bar scene looked neat, and I never found myself bored. Kaufman isn't going to win any awards for his portrayal of the bartender (except, perhaps, at his own Tromadance festival), but his version of "acting" fit his role perfectly. You can't help but look at this bartender and go, "why is he talking like that? What's wrong with him? I'm scared!"
As far as acting goes, thumbs up to the Main Guy in a Suit. MGS puts on a stellar performance as a complex, multifaceted character. He manages to be both an asshole and a douchebag, simultaneously. It's like getting Dennis Leary and Ben Affleck in the same movie and not having to pay them!
The lighting was pitch perfect for this brand of horror. Super-dark, with colorful lights conveying the seedy appeal of a dive bar. Only one gripe in this department, and it's the above shot of Lloyd. I like the lighting, and the dark shadows it creates on his face, but why would this lighting situation ever occur in a real bar? The bartender would be blinded and unable to see his customers. It's just odd compared to the reverse shots we get of the Guys in Suits.
The one failure of the short is its continuity. Guys in Suits pull up to a barn. Cut to the inside of a really swank bar. Wait, how is that supposed to be inside of that barn? There weren't even signs or lights outside. So we see this hopping bar, and it dissolves to closing time. Guys in Suits enter. Did they take a really long time to get up the stairs? Have they entered an alternate dimension- version of this bar where everyone has already gone home? Kaufman isn't even the bartender in the scene before the dissolve. I guess they were trying to show that the bar had been packed, but wasn't now, but chronologically it just doesn't feel right. I would have started with the dissolve, done Guys in Suits pulling up (perhaps as another car is leaving), then have them enter to meet Lloyd and Theodore. Later in the same scene Lloyd looks to his right at Theodore, who should be on his left. It's a minor gripe, but every second counts in a short.
Theodore is a cool character. There is definite franchise potential here. He's got a schtick like all the classic movie monsters: Jason kills horny teens, Freddy comes in your dreams, and Theodore cuts people's heads off to replace his own head. Neat. Here's hoping this is a test shoot – sort of a video calling card to be used to garner financial support for larger projects. I'd watch a Theodore feature. "By the end of the night... you will give him head!" And Theodore II, in which we learn Theodore's tragic origin story as an underappreciated hair dresser. As well as Theodore 3: Bride of Theodore. She can cut off your tits to replace her own, thus constantly augmenting her bust.

I hope my girlfriend's mom isn't reading this. Hell, I kinda hope no one is reading this.

I see nothing but potential here. Even current Hollywood giants like Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi cut their teeth on low budget horror projects. A look around the Infested Films website shows this to be the most professional-looking thing they've shot to date; they're learning. Already they've reached out to Troma – could be some up-and-comers here. And don't get me wrong, I loved Poultrygeist, but Theodore looked much more professional than anything Troma's produced in-house. It's not perfect, but it's also not Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. $14 million?? How much of that was spent on coke, really?