Welcome to my first blog: People suck all over

Upon Suffering a massive pay cut in Florida, I lit out for the grand, open North: Boston, where incomes are higher and job opportunities abound.

Shit. Only one sentence in and I've already blown my punchline. I've constructed this sucker backwards. Everybody has navigated away, except my mother, who thinks every word is Pulitzer material.

My declaration of intention o move to Boston was met with a combination of confusion ("Why Boston? That's so random.") and outright laughter ("That's ballsy!")

How do you respond to that? I chose, "why, thank you!"

I didn't think it was so unusual to pack up and move to a big city. I'm in my mid-20's; isn't that what we do? ... when we're not busy getting married, reproducing, climbing the corporate ladder, and desperately trying to tell ourselves that our actions and trials have meaning? But people reacted like this was an unheard-of pilgrimage. "Well, I'm packing up the car and leaving for the second moon of Pluto!"

Pluto. No longer a planet. People were furious when that reclassification happened, people who had never expressed outrage at rape or genocide or Spider-Man 3. "This is bullshit, maaan! You can't just say it's not a planet anymore! I'll reclassify you! You're not an astronomer; you're a bitch!"

So, moving to Boston. Right. I'm from the South. I say that without reservation, because like "planet," it's just a label. I don't see much difference in various regions of the country; people are the same all over. They're greedy, manipulative, self-obsessed and scared to death that their creature comforts are going to be taken away from them. And by and large, they think that their way of life is preferable to all others. The reactions I got to my move to Boston were enough to make you think that the Civil War was still raging.

My grandfather is an old southern man. He grows his own crops, has a wife who serves as cook and maid, and has probably never had his hand on a computer mouse. Yeah, I'll put five bucks on that. To quote him, "Bwah. What would you want to go be one of them Yankees for?"

"Yankees." He really said it. Spat it, actually, as if through gritted teeth whilst harvesting corn. "Yankees" are rude, uppity, talk too fast, and live in tiny, expensive apartments. The latter, at least, is true.

Before I forget, a funny anecdote regarding my grandmother. This petite, hard-of-hearing woman lives solely to prepare the next meal, and has never expressed a strong opinion about anything, save for this: We were watching television one day and one of those commercials comes on that features a baby digitally manipulated to appear to be speaking. I hear "grandmar" utter, "oh, that's horrible." What, grandmar? "I can't believe they'd do that to a baby. Babies aren't supposed to talk. That's just wrong." The look on her face is all fear and disgust. I didn't know that she had these emotions. All over a talking baby!

So I get to Boston, and during my first week I'm sitting at lunch with my girlfriend and some acquaintances. I'm asked where I'm from and I respond, "Georgia." Eyebrows are raised. "So, like, Atlanta?" No, actually, a few hours away.

At this point, the guy gets a look on his face, as if to say "Oh dear. I've found cat shit in my burrito." What comes out of his mouth is "Oh. So you're really from the south."

I'm fairly certain that most of America(TM) lives outside of major cities. I'm not positive what northerners think the south is like, but I see them envisioning a Walmart parking lot full of neglected trailer homes populated with unwashed Neanderthals in overalls. I'll have them know that some of us live outside the Dollar Store.

Actually, I'm not sure that anyone in Boston knows what a parking lot is. It's sort of like the side of the road, but parking is free and there are a plenitude of open spots. More of my rants on driving and parking in Boston to follow, believe me.

To a northerner, a "southerner" is rude, uneducated, talks too slowly, and enjoys Nascar. The latter, at least, is true.

Is the great north/south divide really still so obvious? What about people in the Midwest? Do they have stereotypes for us? Do they choose sides in these fights? And where do we get these preconceived notions from anyway? How many Bostonians have ever been to "the south"? Small towns are the same all over, regardless of geographic location. The only things that change are the funny accents, and they're all funny.