Something I won't be reviewing (can I honestly call these stream-of-consciousness rants reviews?) will be Death Bed. A few months back I get a call from Andy, but I was busy cooking so I didn't pick up. Ten minutes later my phone tells me that I have a new voicemail. I pour myself a cup of coffee and go sit on what passes for a back porch in Boston and fire that sucker up.
I wish I could record my voicemails and post them online, because this was a classic. Andy shares my love for terrible cinema, so when he found out there was a movie about a bed that eats people, he had to have it. In ten minutes he describes every aspect of the movie, including the ending sequence which comes out of left field. So I downl... "purchased" Death Bed and bugged Rachel to watch it with me. Eventually she gave in, and what followed was MST3K worthy. It has a plot that's impossible to follow, and death sequences that run upwards two minutes as the bed engulfs people in what looks like thick beer foam. I was going to review it in full, but I watched it 2 months ago and my memory sucks, so I don't feel that I can give it the berating that it so richly reserves.
And I'm sure as shit not going to watch it again.
So for the curious and the brave I dug up a couple of clips. You can skim through those and save yourself 75 minutes of anguish. To make it up to you, I'll link you to Patton Oswalt's take on it; that'll leave you with a smile.
Watch this space for a short horror story I've written, coming soon.
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