#2: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
I don't like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. Why then, have I seen all six? Morbid curiosity, I guess. Not to see the gore effects, plentiful though they may be. Curiosity if there's been any originality whatsoever. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the series that started the horror remake craze, and I'm not referring to the 2003 version. If you're not familiar with the series, the plot goes like this: some young 20-somethings stop for gas in some Podunk Texas town and are taken to the house of a family of cannibals who get their kicks by mutilating their supper. This is the plot of virtually EVERY SINGLE FILM in the franchise, and arguably Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses as well. (That's two Rob Zombie references in two reviews - and I have at least one more planned.) With the exception of the second film (the only one I've ever enjoyed), they're all remakes of the original; most contain the same scenes and set pieces! You know it's not over until a blond crashed through a window. The second film in the series stands out to me because it almost comes off as a parody of the slasher sub-genre of horror that was so popular in the 70's and 80's. Dennis Hopper plays a Texas sheriff who takes the fight to the cannibals a'la Ripley in Aliens, and it's snicker-inducing. Hell, the original posters for TCM2 were a takeoff on the posters for The Breakfast Club.
This is a very self-aware movie.
Oh man, see what I've done? I've avoided talking about this movie. I'm trying to change the subject because... it's just uncomfortable. The working title of the film was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Origin. This had to be changed because the film contained no actual origin story. We find out that Leatherface was adopted (maybe that's why he's so angry?) and we see where his mask comes from (surprise surprise... it's the face of some douchebag he killed), but we never quite find out why this family is murderous and cannibalistic. I understand that the meat packing plant closed down, but did you really have to resort to cannibalism? Couldn't you just raise your own live stock? Is it really wise to sustain a family on college kids who happen to be wandering through town?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning isn't for people with weak stomachs, decent taste, dignity, or who may be pregnant or may become pregnant or ever intend to impregnate someone else. One of the rites of passage into manhood is watching a scary movie with a girl so that she'll get scarred and look to you for protection, allowing you to feel her boob. But the movie isn't scary – it's just goddamned repugnant. The theoretical girl in the above situation would spurn your advances, disgusted at excessive gore and perhaps realizing that we, as humans, are just gore that hasn't happened yet. "Get away from me, you fleshy blood sack!" she'll scream as she escapes into the night. Don't worry yourself though; it's not like you were going to be capable of scoring anyway. The sheer amount of diced, chopped, chainsaw-ed human flesh is enough to make your cock retreat into your body. We're talking dangerous shrinkage.
Upon writing this, three days after viewing, I'm still looking for my penis. If found, return to me immediately. Reward offered.
Horror, especially exploitation horror like this, has always thrived on pushing the envelope. More death. More dismemberment. More blood. It's so unnecessary! Show us a silhouette or just let us hear a scream while we fix our gaze on some nondescript piece of scenery. I guess I'm grumpy because I'd just fixed up a salmon quesadilla and I really couldn't finish it after watching Leatherface's mom's water break, followed by a montage of knives slicing through skin.
Yes, I said salmon quesadilla. If you're an avid ZJH fan, you remember the Mancake incident. I'm fucking Doktor Frankenstain in the kitchen. Mancake was an unfortunate setback, but it'll all be worth it when I come up with an original food product that doesn't ooze, poison, or beg to be euthanized. You think that guy just said "hm, I'm going to put pizza... on a bagel!"? Hell no. He was in the kitchen every night, trying to perfect a mustard-based salsa, or figuring out how to pickle oranges. Hm... pickled oranges...
See? See?! I did it again. I do not like thinking about this movie! I'm just going to wrap this up now, and make an appointment with the hypnotist no have all memory of it erased.
It wouldn't be an objective review if I didn't at least try to point out something they did right. The cinematography wasn't half bad. Most horror movies these days rely on dark lighting and shaky camera work to make the audience feel like they're "really there" (or perhaps just to hide shoddy work). I hate that, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning didn't do that, so kudos. The washed out colors really matched the arid Texas setting, and fit with the feel of the original film. But where were the establishing shots? I had no clue what most of the sets looked like. "Oh, she's hiding under a table? Where in the room is the table? Where is the killer? Oh look, blood." The cast was composed of a bunch of no-names that you'll never hear of again, desperately trying to pull off performances that consisted entirely of lines like "please don't do this" and the classic "you'll never get away with this." The shining star here is the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket("I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around!"), but why is a guy who worked with Kubrick in a shit-show like this? Do you think he does any real acting? I wish I could get paid to insult people all day.
It also wouldn't be an objective review if I left you feeling like there was anything worthwhile in this atrocity. So here's a few observances of suck-dom:
A hot biker chick? For real? Last time I checked girls had to be over 300 lbs and like to wag their meth-shriveled titties at cameras to ride motorcycles. This girl looks like a young, sexier Demi Moore. So when she makes references to wanting to violate the other chicks in the movie, I thought, "ok, here's a subplot I can get behind." But... denied. She gets killed, seemingly randomly. Every death in the movie is like that. There's no build up, no suspense. It's just, "well, another ten minutes are up, time to murder another one." It's a hostage situation, not a movie.
I can't understand why the TCM flicks haven't become direct-to-video affairs yet. Hellraiser and Leprechaun are more than happy just to drop a load onto Blockbuster shelves every two or three years. The only thing that I think could salvage this series if if they decided to hop on the kitsch-train and put Leatherface in space. It worked for Friday the 13th (a series with actual good films) as well as Leprechaun, Hellraiser, and probably others. Leprechaun in the Hood has such a cult following that it got its own sequel, and has probably sold more copies than the first movie (which has Jennifer Aniston – watch it!)
And so we get to the crux of the matter, the thing that really irks me: the money factor. The 1974 original was made for $140,000. In 2006 Hollywood produced the exact same movie for $14 million. That's 100 times the cost of the original for what is essentially an exact duplicate! And they made stupid money on this schlock. And now, after careful consideration of the mountains of money they're surrounded by, the studios will undoubtedly greenlight Untitled Texas Chainsaw Massacre Film #7. And not to spoil anything, but it's going to be about a bunch of 20-somethings, cannibal family, yada yada.
It's good we can download films now and not support them. Sequels get made based on earnings, not merit, and I'd wager that most of the audience members left that theatre hating this movie. It's important to remember, though, to pay for the things you enjoy. That way we get more Spider Man 2's, and less Spider Man 3's. As a certain blue-skinned Captain used to say, "the power is yours."
Now if you'll excuse me, I have oranges to pickle.
Z-Man sez:
On a scale of 1 to 10, this one is... um...
The holocaust. Out of ten. Holocaust/10. It's not technically a number, but this isn't technically entertainment.
Show the man some respect. The sergeants name is R. Lee Ermey.
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